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04 November 2010 @ 04:01 am
You long for sunlight because it makes all the broken bits of glass stuck in your junkyard of a heart sparkle like diamonds or something valuable. now you never have to stare off at the horizon and wonder if love will come back to you, because you are surrounded by strangers, each with their own broken bits, each reflecting back to you a different fragment of the beauty in your junkyard heart.

want and void
in the beginning was the immense want.
actually, that's all there ever was
except maybe the void trying to negate everything.
it pushed you away. it made me unworthy.
but the want, the want is what made me a madman. the want is what made it matter so much. the want is what made all these other words to try to explain and give a story, the want has been fueling all of society. the void is the want's permanent companion in the sense that it follows the want wherever it goes, slowly destroying from the inside all the worlds the want has built to fill the void. the want and the void always undoing each other perpetually as they go.

oh and then there's the sex drive.
it goes… love
love love
loveloveloveOHGOD!pleasepleaseplease please
(wordless desperation)

i have the face now of someone worn by the tides of being alive.
i feel myself aging, though I am still a child inside.
a once-wise psycho alone in a sociopathic world, better not show your true colors or they'll know you're a broken girl
now you've built your own prison out of necessity
a series of masks to protect your identity
your true self feels tricked, lost in the process
if i could just find some core within myself that's true
i believe in it still, even after all this mess
it's made me miserable, this long lived refusal of less
i watched all the trifles of the world pass by
refusing them all, refusing each safe lie
only to find this empty space
at the end of the rainbow
laughs in my face
develop a sense of humor,
it's all you can do
to try anything else would be fooling yourself, fool!

how to survive
what I do is build an island
of pillows in the middle of my bed
to which I safely cling
through all the storms of my dreams
I have a dark secret I like to laugh about
though it imprisons me
and a hopeless fantasy
I can't erase

tight like a gun shot
the way the skin clenches against the wound
i crave your hot words
laid out like slaved pavement and rage
patience and broken backed manliness
lay out a strength
to pin me to
so that I might be real too
real like strength
your core of stone
piercing me from the inside
tight like a gun shot wound

and then it was just dry, like the ocean
a tide too insurmountable
a dry so dry the song was just silent
the breath was ragged and wrought
the old familiar beauties were homesick and scrambled
and the night was insufferably long
the old familiar nags were wriggling and raw and
round and round it goes
madness on and on

through the inept machinery of weak human language
my soul is filtered
flailing, reaching, desperately creating symphonies
in hopes they will be heard on the other side
that my love can reflect back to me infinitely
endless sorrow to accompany
this orphan alien of me
Jeffreyomahhum on November 14th, 2010 04:03 am (UTC)
I miss you.
'Dan'auriam on August 31st, 2011 02:29 am (UTC)
Beautiful poetry. You haven't been on LJ in a long time, like me. Anyway, just checking in to see where people are and what they're doing; I mostly use FB lately, but LJ seems to encourage more in-depth journal entries.